Healing the Mother Wound
signs your relationship is unhealthy
Here are some signs that you have had or currently have an unhealthy relationship with your mother:
Does your mother expect you to take care of her emotionally? Does she bombard you with all of her problems? Did she talk to you about her financial or marriage issues when you were a child? Was she emotionally unavailable? Did she ask you for advice for adult situations when you were a child?
Does your mother make you her entire life? Does she call you several times a day and panic when you do not answer? Do you feel enmeshed with you mother? Does she make your successes and failures about her? Does she expect you to tell her about the intimate details of your life and become angry or guilt you if you refuse? Do you find it difficult to create intimacy with your partner because of interference from your mother?
Was your mother abusive? Did she hit you or allow other people to hit you? Did she call you names or ignore you? Did you mother publicly humiliate you by telling your private business without your consent? Does your mother continue to yell at you or call you names? Does she hang up the phone on your or give you the silent treatment? Does she compare you to other people that she doesn’t like (“You are just like your father”)?
Did your mother allow others to violate you? Did she remain married or in relationship with someone else who caused you harm? Did she ask you to keep your violation a secret or act like it didn’t happen? Does your mother continue to minimize your experiences?
Does your mother cause drama in your life? Does she keep gossip in your family amongst you and your siblings? Does she communicate with you indirectly by sending messages through others? When interacting with your mother do you feel worse about yourself? Does she lie? Is she manipulative? Does guilt and shame you? Gaslight you?
healing the mother wound
There is no human relationship that directly impacts you like your relationship with your mother. From the moment of conception, what she eats, drinks, does, and thinks has a direct affect on your development. Her effect on your well-being is directly tied to your well-being; therefore if your mother is unhealthy, unconscious, narcissistic, mean, or co-dependent you will be negatively impacted. You will be wounded. Fortunately, you can heal your wounds.
Admitting that you were not loved well by your mother is difficult because it involves breaking a widely accepted social fantasy, “No one will ever love you like your mother.” For many, the truth is that they experienced their mother as unloving. Yes, mothers, can be violent, manipulative, critical, mean, neglectful, inappropriate, complicit to abuse, judgmental and harmful. Everyday we see news reports of mothers abusing their children, leaving their children with others who abuse them, mothers who ruin their children’s credit, meddle in their adult-children’s relationships, and even call their children names. Still, society scorns the children who grow up and finally say, “My mother mistreated me.” Children of unloving mothers are often met with comments like “She did the best she could” “Just forgive her” or “She didn’t mean it.”
Children of unloving mothers often believe they are wrong, crazy, deficit, and not enough. Many accept these titles because it is easier for you to appear wrong, than to admit that something hurt you, and you have been deeply wounded. Some men will accept the assignment of being “a bad little boy” before admitting that he was the son of an impatient mother who told him he was “bad” and used that excuse to beat him. Many women will tell themselves they were “selfish” and “ungrateful” before admitting that they were expected to minimize their needs to care for their mothers needs.
Healing the wounds from an unloving mother takes courage. This is going to be hard work. However, healing is available. You are not alone.
what to do?
Take a deep breath. Healing is available. B. Well offers several services to offer you the support you need to do the emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical work to heal yourself. Join the Mother Wound Group. We meet virtually. You can also get individual coaching from Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney. B. Well is here to help.